Joseph Jarrett

            While Chapter Nineteen, “Melodies as a Means of Escapism,” does a wonderful job of detailing how music saved me, there’s always more to the story. Music is truly a facet of who I am. It is easily my favorite topic and it serves as my way to feel my emotions in a deeply safe space. In this week’s story, I want to debrief the five most important songs I feature in Mishaps & Mistakes and explain their connection to my story on a deeper level. Let’s get to it!

5. “You’re Losing Me” by Taylor Swift

            I have felt the lyrics of this song in the deepest tracks of who I am. There are so many individual lines that just match my experiences so well. I have cried to this song for cumulative hours of my life. The pain in trying to force someone to stay because you love them so much when they couldn’t care less about what you do. It’s raw. It’s tangible. It cuts deeper than any other wound you could possibly have. I have grown so tired of trying to keep half-assed relationships alive. I learned that I could forgive these faults, but I could never forget them. Anytime that sensation hits me, this song plays back in my mind.

4. “I Miss You, I’m Sorry” by Gracie Abrams

            There’s something so inherently wrong with loving someone when you are so young. Even now, at the ripe age of twenty-five, I still feel like loving someone is too grown-up for me. How was I so competent in giving every ounce of my soul to someone, yet I couldn’t keep track of my monthly bills? And the hurt that accompanies the ending of that love is so heavy. Could I have done better if I were older and more mature? Could I get this boy off my mind if I had the capacity to stomach what we went through? I still ask myself these questions. I look back on every kind of relationship I’ve had with men and question if any of us really ever got this intense level of emotion and vulnerability that Gracie emulates.

3. “You’d Never Know” by Blu Eyes

            How could I not include the song that got me through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life? There is absolutely nothing easy when it comes to the healing process, especially when you’re healing from sexual harassment and exploitation. While there are times I feel that I have healed, this song will sometimes come on randomly in my Spotify library and I’ll be transported back to that September. This year marks four years since it happened and I still have days where I am reeling in effects brought on from the anguish that man put me through. I was so damaged and so unprepared to have my entire life uprooted because of one selfish being’s actions. Blu Eyes helped me acknowledge my darker emotions and taught me that I can feel this way. While I wish it never happened, I know that I get stronger as every year passes.  

2. “Greedy” by Tate McRae

            I could honestly see the signs that directed me towards the ending of mine and Gabe’s relationship. I had that instinctive feeling for quite some time. While I could start the process of mentally preparing to be heartbroken, I received a sign that told me things would ultimately be fine. As I stretched out in a hotel bed outside of Greensboro, North Carolina, I scrolled through TikTok when a song snippet came up. There she was. Tate in an oversized jersey as she stepped out of a car and whipped her hair around. A teaser of her upcoming single, “Greedy.” That two minute and eleven second song would go on to become my most played song of all time in a matter of three months. Between every sad song that I cried to, “Greedy” came in to pick me up and remind me that I was worth more than the bare minimum I had been receiving for so long. I still use it today as a hype song. I’ve seen Tate live twice and she ended both shows with this hit track. And I absolutely lost my voice screaming the words both times. And I’ll probably do it again and again until she retires.

And Number One…“Still Learning” by Halsey

The most tragically relatable song I have EVER heard in my almost twenty-six years of life. Halsey uses this song to beautifully explain how you can feel so trapped in your own head, in an environment you created, and how the weight of everything you have done can hold you back. I still feel like I cannot trust people (and even myself sometimes) because I am afraid of the past repeating itself. I know that I am getting stronger and becoming a better person every day, but these kinds of regrets don’t just leave you. They stick with you through everything. They are relentless and they are necessary for growth.

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            So, after reading the book and listening to the playlist, what songs do you think reflect my story best? This is just my opinion, after all. Can’t have a conversation if it’s just me putting everything out there. Let me know once your own playlist is ready. See you next time!