Joseph Jarrett

On the surface, gay men appear to be one of the most resilient sects of society. In actuality, there are a lot of us who struggle to breathe constantly. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, straight, or something in between; men in general are simply not capable of always being strong. While I definitely cannot attest to the straight man’s experiences, I can absolutely explain mine to you.

            I once had a very deep and beautiful conversation with my mom. To make a long story short, she told me that I did not need to always be the happy-go-lucky person people apparently expect me to be. There was something that shifted in me the first time she told, and trust when I say it’s been said multiple times. I’m a pathological people pleaser, after all. As I’ve gotten older, my mom’s words ring louder and clearer in my head. So, now, I want to tell you about some of the suckier things I’ve gone through since coming out.

Being the Monkey in the Middle

            If you grew up around the turn of the century, then you definitely played Monkey in the Middle with your friends or siblings growing up. The person in the middle is the monkey, and their goal is to catch a ball being thrown over their head by the other two people. That’s kind of how life feels when you’re a gay man. You don’t quite fit in fully with the guys, but neither with the girls. It is an absolute honor being invited to both Boys Night and Girls Night, but the always-present sensation that you’re the obviously different one in the room kind of sucks. It’s not easy, despite the way we pull it off.

            But it’s not just about friend group dynamics; there’s so much more to this. There are a lot of aspects in my life that make me feel torn, separated, or different from everyone else around me. Being a gay man, you’re forced to compromise something in almost every situation you find yourself in. You want to learn and take on a religion, but which one accepts me? Which one will tell me I belong and have sermons that prove it? What stores can I shop in without being criticized for being there? Big things, little things, it doesn’t matter. It’s always a gamble. There’s always a decision that needs to be made.

No One Truly Listens

            The only people who can fully understand the emotions of a gay man are other queer people and a solid number of therapists who support the queer community.  Well, I’ve already told you how most gay friendships go in a previous post, so let’s focus on the other relationships. Loneliness is a huge thing that affects gay men. It can be so hard to sit there and pretend like it doesn’t suck when you’re the only one who doesn’t have a partner to lean on, or to not have someone there who understands how it feels like you’re grieving a life you never got to live.

            I’ve seen the same reiteration of a post on social media about a thousand times. They say something like “Remembering that I’ll be rich and successful one day because I’m gay, and gays always end up with that.” I couldn’t give two shits about being rich in a lucrative sense. I mean, I wouldn’t complain about it, but it’s not the kind of rich I truly want. I want a fulfilling life, one with love, family, and memories. You’d think that would be a universal thing, but it’s really not. When you’re the token gay, there’s this underlying expectation that you’re always ready for the next event, next drink, and to always be fun. But why don’t people hear me when I try to tell them that I wish I could be complaining about the cost of diapers and a mortgage with them? It’s not just frustrating, it’s also disheartening.

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            I could probably write an entire thesis paper on this, but I don’t know that people would actually read that. For your sanity and mine, I think I’ll leave it here. If you ever want to discuss further or more in depth, message me! I’m always willing to have these difficult conversations. It’s what humans are supposed to do after all.