Joseph Jarrett

Alexa, play “Loneliest Girl” by Kacey Musgraves. This is something that I think people really fail to discuss as they should. No one actually wants to be or to feel lonely, but sometimes it is simply unavoidable. On the other hand, there are times when we choose to separate ourselves from the rest of the world. Taking that time to step back and reset can be very beneficial.

            For the last few years, I have been making a conscious effort to spend time by myself. As the saying goes, “You cannot love others until you love yourself.” I used to think that time alone meant that my company wasn’t wanted or that I was no one’s first choice. In reality, it was always an opportunity to get to know myself better. Slowly but surely, I began a mission to never feel lonely again. If I was ever going to be okay, I needed to do this.

            It was more exhausting waiting for someone to be available and letting my mind go crazy than it was to get myself up and go do something fun. I started off small with solo dates to the movie theatre. You shouldn’t talk during a public show anyway, so what’s the harm in going alone? The answer is there is none. From there, I expanded my horizons. I started sitting in restaurants and coffee shops alone. I went shopping on my own. Life was getting easier, and I found myself happier more often. I realized after a while that my only regret was not starting to do this earlier.

            Let me make it clear that for most of my life, socializing has not been an issue for me. I always make new friends when I find myself in a new setting. Somehow, some way, I always manage to do this. However, I found myself in a weird place after I moved home to Jacksonville. No one told me how hard it would be to meet people when I was unemployed and waiting to find out if I got accepted back into school. This made me start to spiral into some weird social anxiety episode. My best friend, Holland, asked me continuously to come and meet her close friend group. They were all in the same age range as me, lived nearby, and they were always doing something fun. In my head, I knew it would be good to at least try. But every time I tried, that spiral won, and I would cancel or make an excuse as to why I couldn’t go. I’m so mad at myself for that.

            It took me years to actually break out of this. Two years to be exact. Two years too long. Two years that I could have shared with some incredible people. Instead, I let a heartbreak and my mind win. I didn’t deserve that, yet I let it happen anyway. I have to live with that, but the more and more I do, the more I have started to put that phase behind me. Moving forward is the only option we truly have.

            Another thing to clear up. You all know how badly I want to be loved. But over the course of the three years since my last date, I have gotten so much time to accomplish things I probably never would have if I were in a relationship. I found bits and pieces of my identity with each thing I did. Meanwhile, I wasn’t having to consider another person’s needs and wishes the whole time. I could be selfish for what felt like the first time ever. That period of selfishness has made me realize that I still had to grow more before I was capable of being in a relationship. And who knows; maybe I’m ready now? Is it possible? Only time and Hinge will tell. Because Lord knows I am not going to bars, clubs, or Grindr to find a husband. Well, maybe a bar if my friends manage to convince me.