Joseph Jarrett

For the entire month of June, I’ll be doing a deep dive into gay culture and experience. It’s Pride Month, after all! There are so many facets to cover, and I’m lucky enough to hold a platform that is entirely dedicated to life in the gay community. Stemming from Monday’s post, in which I discussed situationships, I wanted to dive into a branch of that: loneliness from the perspective of a gay man.

            You might think loneliness feels the same for everyone. It’s a universal sensation, right? Not so much. There’s a major disconnect here, and I want to bridge the gap for us all. To the majority, loneliness is just a lack of company and support. For gay men, it’s the complete and utter lack of true connection.

            Like many other adult gay men, I came out as an adult. Well, three days before I became an adult. With that, though, there was a life I wished for growing up and that I had to grieve at just 18 years old. I didn’t get the high school experience I was promised by the shows and movies we watched growing up. I didn’t get to go on movie dates with a boy I liked, and I didn’t get to slow dance with a boy at homecoming or prom. I was always in the company of my single friends or the girl friends I spent the majority of my time with. Not that I didn’t love them, but it’s not the same. I had to watch as all of my straight friends got to live out those moments and had to act like I was happy through it all.

            That excitement for my loved ones, while I feel a pang inside my chest, still occurs today.  It happens for small things and the big things. A guy has never bought me flowers, asked to meet my friends, or called me just because they wanted to hear my voice. I don’t have a man that I can tell everything to and know that it’s a safe space to spill my guts. I’ve never been kissed on the dancefloor at a wedding, party, or other big event. I don’t have someone watching me across the room with a smile on his face while I act like a fool with my friends and loved ones. And that sucks so much more than you think it does.

            The loneliness sensation doesn’t exist just in the world of romance. It also exists in friendships and family moments. My mom has told me a number of times after coming out that I need to find a solid group of other gay men to fall back on. They should, in theory, understand what I’m going through and be understanding. Unfortunately, that’s not how the modern gay community works. There are the lucky ones who find that, but the bulk of us do not. Gay men have a tendency to be very transactional. They ask themselves, “What do I get out of this?” or “How does this benefit me either tonight or in the long run?” The other ones end up going down the hookup path: talking leads to flirting, flirting leads to sending nudes, nudes turn into a one-night stand, and then you never talk again.

            It also doesn’t help that I am not a fan of clubs, hardcore partying, or sports. Those three things are very high on the pedestal of gay life, and if you don’t partake, you’re not going to have a quantitative experience. I’m more of a small house party, Saturday coffee and farmer market strolls, and thrifting kind of gay man. There aren’t very many of us who choose this lifestyle over the exciting one.

            There’s also the family thing. I am one of the luckiest people in the world because I have such an incredible and supportive family. From my parents to my siblings, my in-laws, and extended family, I love them, and they love me. However, they will never be able to fully understand how life looks through the lens of my eyes. I’ve watched my siblings do everything the “normal” way. They partied in high school, had shitty break-ups, found the loves of their lives, got married, and started planning to have a family of their own. Most of them accomplished all of this before they were 30. I think my odds of me even finding someone who can put up with me before I’m 30 are slim to none. I have better chances of winning the lottery than finding a good man. I’m now closer to 27, and it terrifies me every single day just how different my life has been and will be from their experiences. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’m still finishing my college degree, and I don’t have the most typical resume. While I love that they are thriving, I hate to admit that I feel jealous because I genuinely don’t know when it’ll finally be my turn to have something like that. Gay men truly don’t start their lives until after they come out, so it’s like we have to grow up all over again. Instead of doing it at a young age, we do it as adults. It is ten times harder than you could imagine.

            So, when a gay man tells you they are lonely, just know that it is not as simple as you initially think it is. We share a lot of wants, hopes, and wishes in common with the straights in our lives, but we somehow live life so differently. Be kind, be gentle, we’re still learning.

            (And as a bonus, here are two songs that I believe explain this notion well!)