Joseph Jarrett

Spoiler alert: it didn’t. In fact, it was only the very beginning of a whole new ordeal. Sometimes, life as a gay man feels like living on a roller coaster. There are highs so far into the atmosphere that everything feels exhilarating. Then, you plummet down into a crazy deep low that makes you feel like you’re going to die. Imagine that cycle being infinite and never-ending. It is not easy in the slightest.

            I was still seventeen years old when I made the decision to publicly come out. It was three days before my eighteenth birthday, and I knew that I needed to start taking control of my life as I entered adulthood. I wanted to be sure that I lived my life in the most authentic way possible from the start. For the most part, I think I have done that. But there was a lot that I needed to learn, and some of those realizations were absolutely awful.

            I genuinely thought that things were just going to fall into place for me after my birthday and coming out. I really did. I imagined what it would be like to meet a great guy in college, marry him after graduation, buy a house together, and have our first kid all by the ripe age of twenty-five. Oh, what a dreamer I was back then. If you sat down that version of me with my present-day self, they’d get into quite an interesting discourse. But I really didn’t know any better. At eighteen, I had no bills, a part-time retail job, and no real responsibilities. How was I supposed to know that adulthood is literally the worst thing to ever transition into?

            Even now, almost nine years out of the closet, I feel like I’ve learned barely anything some days. Other days, it’s the exact opposite, and I feel like I have learned more than a person should ever learn in their lifetime. Every single day presents me with a new challenge, a new emotion, or something else that I cannot mentally, physically, or emotionally handle. The horrors persist, but so do I.

            Of everything that I have learned in the almost nine years out, one of the biggest lessons I learned was that you will teeter on the edge of love a million and one times over. “Almost is Never Enough” by Ariana Grande and “Favorite What If” by Ashley Kutcher are two songs that every gay man needs to have saved in their library. I have almost made it to that point with a man a couple of times now, but someone always pulls away and love doesn’t win over us. After he pulls away, he becomes such a beautiful memory, but sad songs now play over what used to be something so happy. It is so damn brutal.

            I would do absolutely anything to have gotten my fairytale life, but that isn’t what was written in the stars for me. I guess I was meant to be that tragic leading character in a romantic comedy. The one who exists in a constant state of anxiety and awkward timing, all while wanting nothing more than to be seen and be loved. Maybe when I finally find that leading man I’ll be grateful for all the struggles the universe has put me through. Until then, I’m just going to keep on learning, I guess. What choice do I have?

            At the end of the day, I look back and accept that one life ended and another one began when I came out to the world. I am trying so hard to give myself grace and I try to allow myself the opportunity to fail every now and again. But all I want is that firework ending where the kiss seals it all. Maybe one day, Joseph, maybe one day.