Joseph Jarrett

Ahh, there’s nothing like good ole detachment. Men are just SO darn good at it, too. It’s so horrific to go through, yet we always go back for me. Will we ever learn our lesson? Probably not, but we can have hope, right?

            If you thought gay men were more in touch with their emotions than straight men, or that they communicate better, you’d be dead wrong. They may even be worse than straight men. You would think that gay men want to live openly and honestly after all the years of living in the closet. Instead, the clock resets when you come out, and emotional immaturity sets in deep. Like incredibly deep roots.

            Literally every single almost-relationship or casual dating situation I’ve found myself in has ended without a concrete, secure ending. I’ve ghosted people and have been ghosted by others. Some have messaged me a long-winded reason as to why they don’t want to continue and then block me, and I’ve done that to some as well. The one common denominator we see in all of these would be the lack of communication. No one is willing to have the conversation anymore.

            If you read Mishaps & Mistakes, then you already know the ending to every single romantic relationship I’ve had. Literally none of them have ended on good terms, but what’s a guy to do? It’s simply the hand I was dealt. If they’re too much to handle, bye. If I’m too much to handle, they just go without a goodbye. I think the closest I came to getting closure was Paul, the boy I flew to Birmingham, Alabama, to go on a date with. My feelings for Paul were honestly stronger than my feelings for a majority of the other guys I’ve been involved with. When I realized that the vibe wasn’t the same in person, I was devastated. I knew that when he was hugging me at the airport, instead of kissing me, that solidified our ending. I tried so hard to keep the communication up after that date, but it was to no avail. I remember crying in a lukewarm bath in a hotel room in downtown Little Rock, Arkansas, afterwards. He gave me closure, and I ripped open the sutures. God, was I stupid for that. If only I had “Backwards” by the Jonas Brothers to listen to at the time. It would’ve healed me so quickly, or at least it would’ve validated the emotions I experienced at the time.

            While there have been multiple cases where I was the one left without closure, I often think of the boys I ended things with. I get curious about whether or not they sat with the hurt like I usually did or if they easily moved on. I know some of them must have felt some kind of hurt. Those unanswered texts kept stacking on one side of the messages. I’ve grown so accustomed to being that person that I never even considered the possibility that I was putting someone else through it.

            I don’t believe there’s a concrete answer as to why gay men are so bad at ending relationships in a reasonable way. I think we have so much to learn because there was so much we didn’t get to experience in our younger years. Maybe one day, when the world has grown more welcoming, and coming out isn’t a later-in-life event anymore, gay men will learn. But for now, it is what it is.